Ravens Insults
by RavenEvanescence
Summary: Another bored . com  crossover Insults.


You are a day late and a dollar short.  
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.  
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?  
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?  
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!  
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.  
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.  
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.  
Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.  
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.  
One more wrinkle and you'd pass for a prune.  
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.  
Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.  
You are so dull, you can't even cut a fart.

You are so dumb, you stand on a chair to raise your IQ.  
You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.  
You are very smart. You have brains you never used.  
You got more issues than National Geographic!  
You must have a very large brain, to hold so much ignorance.  
You are a black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.  
You are a couple of slates short of a full roof.  
You are a couplet short of a sonnet.  
You are a cup and saucer short of a place setting.  
You are a deadbolt with a broken cylinder.  
You are a few beads short in her rosary.  
You are a half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.  
A mud pack is good for the complexion. I suggest you leave it on.  
A rejection letter from MENSA wouldn't be to much of a surprise for you now, would it?  
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.  
After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.  
All day I thought of you...I was at the zoo.  
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.  
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?  
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.  
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?  
Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?  
Are your parents siblings?  
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?  
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!  
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.  
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?  
Boy if my dog were that ugly I would shave his ass and make him walk backwards.  
Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing.  
By the way, the zoo called, the babboons want their buts backs so you'll have to find a new face.  
Can I borrow your head for my rock garden?!  
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.  
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?  
Don't let your mind wander - it're far too small to be let out on its own.  
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?  
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?  
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?  
Dont be ignorant all your life, take a day off why dont you?  
Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.  
For two cents, Id give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours.  
Have you been shopping lately?...They are selling lives at the mall...you should get one  
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?  
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!  
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.  
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.  
Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!  
Hey, act your age -- senile!  
Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.  
Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?  
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?  
I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.  
I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!  
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.  
I can see why You are often lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory.  
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!  
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.  
I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?  
I fart to make you smell better.  
I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.  
I guess you prove that even god makes mistakes sometimes.  
I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.  
I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.  
I hear the only place You are ever invited is outside.  
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.  
I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.  
I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.  
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?  
I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!  
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?  
I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture.  
I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.  
I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.  
I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.  
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!  
I heard you spend your spare time chasing carriages and eating Alpo.  
I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.  
I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.  
I heard you went to a freak show and got in FREE!  
I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.  
I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.  
I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by appearances, but you are REALLY ugly.  
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.  
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.  
I love what you've done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?  
I may be fat but you are ugly, and I can lose weight.  
I refuse to engage in a battle of wits, as I will not take advantage of the handicapped.  
I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.  
I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.  
I see that you set this time aside to humiliate yourself.  
I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!  
I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.  
I understand you have Van Gogh's ear for music.  
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.  
I wish your charm could be bottled--then a cork could be put in it.  
I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.  
I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.  
I would love to beat you up, but I have a problem with cruelty to dumb animals.  
I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.  
I'd get more pleasure from running my nostrils down a cactus than being with you.  
I'd like to break the monotony; where's your weakest point?  
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!  
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.  
I'd smack the crap out of you if I didn't think it would fill up the room  
I'll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you'll need a passport and plane ticket back  
I'll hit you so hard you 'll have to take off your shoes to shit!  
I'll hit you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi!  
I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy!  
I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall!  
I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.  
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?  
I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.  
I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.  
If art imitates life, you'd be a black velvet painting.  
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport  
If brains were wind, you would not have enough to blow your nose.  
If I could afford the wood, I'd have your mouth boarded up.  
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.  
If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.  
If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?  
If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!  
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.  
If Moses had seen your face, there would have been another commandment.  
If ugly were a crime, you'd get a life sentence.  
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!  
If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.  
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!  
If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.  
If you got any more stupid, you'd have to be watered twice a week.  
If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.  
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.  
If your conscience could be surgically removed, it would be a minor operation.  
In the dictionary under the word, "stupid," it says, "see him."  
Is that your face--or are you breaking it in for a bulldog?  
Is that your nose or did you inhale a cantaloupe?  
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.  
Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.  
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.  
Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.  
Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.  
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palm reader; I know you've got a palm.  
Looking at you, I realize what a waste of skin you are.  
Many people are to blame for producing you.  
Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more!  
No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.  
No, a polygon is not a dead parrot.  
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.  
Our friendship is like that of a dog to a fire hydrant.  
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.  
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!  
People clap when they see you -- their hands over their eyes or ears.  
People have every right to be ugly, but you abuse the privilege!  
People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.  
Please sit down and take a mess off your feet.  
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.  
You are so was so ugly they used to push your face into dough to make gorilla cookies  
You are so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!  
You are so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper!  
Shock me, say something intelligent.  
Sit down and give your mind a rest.  
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.  
Some day you will find yourself -- and wish that you hadn't.  
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.  
Some people have called you a wit... They're half right !  
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.  
Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.  
Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...  
Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.  
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on somebody who is unarmed.  
Thank you, we're all challenged by your unique point of view.  
The biggest no-talent I ever worked with.  
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.  
The last time I saw a face like yours I threw it a fish!  
The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.  
The stupid person's idea of a clever person.  
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.  
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.  
There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.  
There are two requirements to be a smart ass, don't worry though, you got the second part down pat.  
There is no vaccine against stupidity.  
There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.  
There's two things I really hate about you: your face!  
They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.  
They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.  
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.  
They say Will Rogers never met a man he didn't like, obviously he never met you.  
Waiting for you to say something intelligent is like putting a candle in the window for Jimmy Hoffa.  
Was it hard learning to be so ugly or were you a quick study?  
We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.  
We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.  
We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long sayings.  
We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven".  
We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.  
We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?  
We know that you would give your life for us. Promise!  
We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.  
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.  
Well I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.  
What are you going to do for a face when the babboon wants his ass back?  
What's the latest dope -- besides you?  
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.  
When god was handing out brains, you must have been holding the door.  
When I want you're opinion, I'll rattle your cage!  
When it comes to I.Q. points, you lose them every time you go to the bathroom.  
When they made you, they broke the mold---and beat the mold maker.  
When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral, but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.  
When you get to the mens room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.  
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?  
When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity.  
When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.  
When you was born the doctor slapped your mother.  
Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?  
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?  
Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?  
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.  
Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.  
You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.  
You are not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.  
You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!  
You are so dumb, your fingers and toes are numbered.  
You are so dumb, you need a cue card to say "Huh?"  
You are so dumb, you need instructions on how to use a rocking chair.  
You are so dumb, you planted a dogwood tree and expected a litter of puppies.  
You are so dumb, you play solitaire...for cash.  
You are so old, if you to acted your age, you'd die.  
You are so old, the candles on your birthday cake raised earths temperature by 3 degrees.  
You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.  
You are so old, you fart dust.  
You are so old, you sat next to Jesus in school.  
You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.  
You are so old, your birth-certificate expired.  
You are so stupid, you'd trip over a cordless phone.  
You are so stupid that if I gave you a penny for your intelligence, I'd get change back.  
You are so stupid you got hit by a parked car.  
You are so stupid, even stupid people think You are slow!  
You are so stupid, If you had a brain you'd take it out and play with it.  
You are so stupid, when you dropped acid the car battery fell on your foot.  
You are so stupid, when you heard 90 of all crimes occur around the home, you went out.  
You are the reason God created the middle finger.  
You have the face of a saint. Saint Bernard, that is.  
You have the intellegence of a bucket of rocks.  
You have the shape of a stocking filled with dung.  
You have the warm personal charm of a millipede.  
You know what happens when you assume? You make an ASS out of U and ME  
You know, I do understand you. I have a way with dumb animals.  
You look like you just escaped from planet of the apes.  
You look like you've been pulled backward through a knothole.  
You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.  
You may be a beauiful person on the inside, too bad you were born on the outside!  
You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.  
You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.  
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.  
You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.  
You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.  
You perplex me--usually someone with your limited physical appeal makes up for it with a REAL personality.  
You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.  
You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.  
You remind me of opium, a slow working dope.  
You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.  
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.  
Your face is a waste of molecules.  
Your family tree is nothing but a rest stop for dogs.  
Your house is so nasty, I tripped over a rat, and a cockroach stole my wallet.  
Your house is so dirty you have to wipe your feet before you go outside.  
Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.  
Your mouth is so big, you could suck an egg from a chicken.  
Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.


End file.
